12/28/16

Christmas is nothing with out you here. We didnt get to see Jackie. But, we will have a little Christmas with him in January. Your Pops had videos sent to him from "Santa". They are so real, and he calls them by name...pretty awesome. We have the special magical present ready for him, behind the tree, that we "know nothing" about...
We are sharing the magic with him. You see it, I know. And, I love him with all my heart, Frankie. He is the one thing that keeps me going. I just want to find you. If there is nothing out there, and nothing left of you...so be it....at least I wont feel this pain anymore. And, if there is, then...Hallelujah! I get to see my most loved being in the universe. I miss your hugs, your laugh, your anger, your everything, my son. I feel like a hollow shell. I hate this world. I hate it. I feel nothing is ahead for me. What is there? Why am I still here? I am finished with my life. Let death come and find me, because I want to be with my son again. Pops will come and then we will one by one, by one be together again. I cant stand the pain. Its too fucking big, Frankie. Please

12/2/16

I know I said he was nice, and that you would actually like him. But, I am still so angry at the situation. I know that people have to move on. I know thats what would be said to me if I verbalized this. But, you had no chance to move on. You had no MOTHER FUCKING SECOND CHANCE!!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE, I cannot express how much RAGE I feel at this MOTHER FUCKING SHALLOW< CLUELESS WORLD!!!!!! FRANKIE! WHY? WHY couldnt YOU have had a second chance?!?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE LIKE THAT? TELL ME?!? I CALL BULLSHIT!!!!!!! I call bullshit....
MOTHERFUCKINGBULLSHIT!!!!!!!!
I am so sad for you.
You did not deserve to DIE so young, and so painFULLY, and so fearFILLED!
I FUCKING HATE GOD and THE WHOLE FUCKING WAY of THINGS! EVERYONE can go FUCK theSELVES when they whine and cry about their little problems. I FUCKING HATE, hate, HATE, hAte, HATE this world. Fucking HATE IT!
I love you

11/17/16

Help me have the energy and strength for this life...

11/17/16

11/16/16


I didnt even write to you yesterday....It marked three years since you passed away. Its still too bizarre to believe. You were just here....a minute ago. I can still smell you, hear you, and see you.....Oh, Frankie, it seems like Griffin might not be too far behind you. Please, please, please find him when he comes, and help him remember that we did not abandon him to that emergency hospital. I am going to visit him again tonight. I want to take him home. They are going to do a sonogram on his tummy and heart. Sugar levels are normal on the drip, but they suspect other issues. If the results are traumatic. I am going to take him home, and let him be with us, pain medication, whatever...he needs to come home. I miss you Frankie. I miss you with all I have in me. I

11/7/16
So, now you have a new compadre up there in the cosmos......Do you know when people are going to pass? Did you help Rachel make contact with her parents last night? Because that was the most awesome gift they could get right now. I am betting that you had a helping hand in it, my little Techie! Thank you Frankie and Rachel, you know how happy you made them. They need these things like monkey bars to hold on to, while they cross through this nightmare. I love you all, and I think about you so so much.....Frankie, I know your chakra stones will help Rays boyfriend. And, it was so instinctual, that I also know you were there. I love you my one and only son....always, always, always....Keep a spot open for me & Pops......Mamadukes

10/31/16

Happy Halloween to my favorite little Halloween Monster. I miss you so much Frankie. Days like this especially.

I look for you everywhere...

Jackie, at our house (is a very very fine house...) with Wolfie (his"favorite"), and Griffin....He is really so good with all the animals. He is a very compassionate little man.....You and Ilana have a boy to be proud of....And, she is really a great Mom. You would be so proud of her. I love you, son...always, always...

Hello, my Son...
We are going to see your Grandmother tomorrow with Jackie! We are picking him up and heading to Brooklyn. She is not doing so well, and that boy just cheers her up, and fills her with a little more light...
Frankie, I don't think she will be here much longer. But, you would know better than I. I don't know if you have any pull, but...please...maybe the powers that be could let her go peacefully, and pain free. She is suffering so much. She misses Grampa, and her old life. She is not the same woman, and it is so devastating to watch her....
She deserves a sweet, loving departure from this world when her time comes.
Maybe you could help her. You and Harry, you must have a lot of pull by now.....
I love you so much Frankie. I miss you more everyday. Forever and ever. .....

October 11, 2016
Jackie with Griffy and Wolfie. He loves these dogs so much. Had you lived, you would have probably taken Wolfie to live with you.....maybe. You always had a way of talking me into things. Anyway, your boy is so gentle and sweet with the dogs. He loves Wolfie so much...and he has even found a big place in his heart for Griffin! He understands now that Griffin is a sweet, smart pup...he just gets too excited. As Jackie understood, Griffin also calmed down when Jack is with us. Griffin just wanted to live Inside Jackie, because he loves the boy so much. Its amazing, really.....I love you, Frankie....always, always.

Frankie, you are in everything we do, always and forever....Momz

Uncle Peter holding a leaf I found up to the sun at Cranberry Lake...

Having a really hard time these days. I cant control the sudden sobbing. I dream about the fire burning your hair and skin, and beautiful face. Your hands...omg, It runs on a loop over and over in my head. It just came from nowhere, and now it wont stop. I miss your handsome face, infectious laugh, and big bear hugs...I miss everything about you...Good and Bad....

Frankie. I found this photo from when you moved upstate. It was awful saying goodbye then. I had no idea we would never get the chance to say goodbye the night you died (November 15, 2013).

You and your son, naming the chickens.....2013......

Jackie and I.
Pops and I at CT reenactment.
Remember the heat?!?
I miss you.

Frankie, He fills my heart with joy, and sorrow. What a good boy he is. You would be so proud.

I found a leaf at the lake.
I saw the sun.
I saw the sun through the leaf.
I thought of you.
It was beautiful.

My first canvas painting, ever. Griffy! This is only a detail of it. We went to Muse for a painting party of Pets. There wasnt enough time for me to finish. But, lucky for me I have "Frankies Room", so I can work on it. I miss you terribly every minute of everyday, my son. Its killing me, I think.
Please be there when out time comes. I cannot wait to see you again, in whatever form your spirit takes.

I wish there was a way to speak to you.
I wish you could make yourself known.
Sometimes, I feel like there is a just a veil
that separates us.
Other times, I feel like your atoms just blasted from the crematorium out into space,
just organic "matter" again.
But, I hold on to the knowledge of how strong your soul was/is.
And, deep down I long for the idea of the light, and meeting your loved ones again on the "other" side. I just hope with all that is in me, that we can somehow "see" each other again.
I miss you so much, my most loved son. Your voice echoes in my ears.
I will always remember your laugh, your smile. Your many gestures, funny, good and bad.
You did not deserve the way you died.
It was awful, and I relive it every single day. Your end must have been so fucking agonizing, and scary. I would die to have that taken away from you.
I love you so much, Frankie.
Always. Always. Always. My son.

Another Holiday without you.
My heart hurts.
I remember the great times we had with you during your life.
You were always the one to start and keep the BEST conversations (and sometimes "debates") going. I can see you in my minds eye, you laughing looking down with a hooligan smile on your face, laughing at the outrageous talk....most of which you exacerbated....I loved to watch you with people. You were always surrounded by people, and the talk and laughter was a constant.
Sure, you were temperamental and grumpy sometimes...(ahem)...but that was all part of your "charm"! Well, except for the Jets games when they were losing.....oh boy. You were bad, boy.
But, I would give my life for even one more LOSING Jets game.
I love you so much, and miss you to the point of physical pain.
I always ring the singing bow, and remember you as a beautiful, beautiful, soul.
Your energy always appears to me as a beautiful, shimmering Gold.
And when I visualize, and strike the singing bowl three times (past, present, future)...I see my energy rising into the universe as a beautiful Caribbean blue sky.
The colors filling in the gap like a sweet embrace.
It warms my heart, and I can feel like you are giving me one of your legendary bear hugs.
I will remember you as you were.
I will always remember you as you were, and hope that you really are all shimmering gold energy. And that all your memories and love are still part of that energy.
And, I will live with faith that you will be waiting out there in the cosmos for me and your Dad to join you.
I will always love you.
Mom

You were a light that shone even brighter than I had ever imagined.
That light continues to light my way, I will follow it until I see where it leads....

I miss you.
I feel you all around.
Then, you are a vague whisper.
Until you explode in light again...

I will remember you forever my son...

 

Pops. At the Lake.
He misses you so much.
He loves you with all of his heart and soul.
You were his son, and friend, and co-worker.
You were his Brother in arms, and his peer.
There is a hollow place now, that will never be filled.
You were so loved.
You are so loved.
We will never forget.
We will love you always,
And forever.
~Mamadukes

Your son.
Shiny brown arms in the pool.
Swimming away like a fish.
He looks just like you.
It fills my heart.
And, breaks my heart.

I love you, my son...
Mamadukes

Baby Boy is coming to have a sleepover tonight!!!!!!!!
I havent seen him in over a month.....
So, I am so excited......
Its 94 degrees out, so we will probably have a picnic dinner in the A/C'd bedroom. Remember how we used to have dinners in my room on hot days? Play board games at the table in there? Thank God, the bedroom is so big.....I miss you so much, my heart actually pains me. I love you, My Frankie boy. I cannot believe you are gone....I guess its going to feel like that for a long long time. I will never let you get dusty, or forgotten. You ARE me, so I can never stop missing you and remembering my most awesome son. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you, sweet man. Sending you singing bowl signals every morning. 3 times. First to visualize, second to connect, third to remind you. Always and Forever.
MamaDUKES....<3

I miss you so fucking much, Frankie.....I can't stand it.

We put one foot in front of the other. We eat, we sleep, we go to work. We do all the things we have to in order to make it through the minutes of each day.  For other people, the grief has settled into something less painful. But for your Pops and me, it is a looming black hole that threatens to swallow us whole. It is with that horrible weight of sorrow we try to move forward each day. Your name on my lips, and in my heart each and every minute of everyday, I try so hard to honor you, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't know if I can.

I miss you.

So, remember the constant running "argument" we had?
I am not going to mention it, but...
when I get a message from you, THAT'S the message I want.
I want the REAL answer to our debate.
The REAL answer, because you KNOW now.
Then, I will believe, I will believe you are still around.
That you are a beautiful energy soul, and you are still out there.
I love you, my son.
Then, now, and always.
Momz

So, Jackie was in his car seat in Ilanas car to leave last night. He didn’t want to go. He was sitting in the back, looking out the window. I came up to the opposite window to tell him goodbye (again…), and he said, “I don’t want to go….”. I said, “I Know, but you are going to have a great time at Cape Cod, and then we will see you again!” .

Heres the kick….He looks straight ahead of him, and said, “When I come back from HEAVEN, I am coming HERE!”.

I asked him “What ?”.

He said the same thing. Ilana came over and I asked him to repeat it, and he said the same thing. She looked at me with big eyes, and said, “THAT was creepy!”

I don’t think it was creepy, I think you have a connection with him.  A static-y connection, but an awesome connection. 

I am so glad Ilana heard him say it, because I was floored. It was a freaking gift!

I just wanted to share it with you……

But, I have a feeling you already know.....

I love you so much....

Frankie, I want to believe this. I want to believe that there is something else after this fucked up life. Please, please try to send signs when and if you can. I have no more words today, only tears. And, a pain that runs through my heart and soul. I miss you. I love you, my most loved son. -Mamadukes

Frankie....

Another holiday, and your presence is missed more and more with each passing year. I still can't believe you are gone. I talk with you, I do my art in your room, and I tell Jackie all about you. He is young, and I know he will be asking all kinds of questions when he gets a little older. I absolutely HATE that he has to be "told about"...you. I want to scream at the absurdity of it all. It should be you, holding his hand, taking him to see all the things in this world for the first time. And, to be there when he cries, and laughs and wins or loses. I know there is no changing that, but GOD FUCKING DAMMMMMMIT! I HATE THIS UNIVERSE for all it has taken from you, him, and us....I hate  I hate I hate.. I am angry, and I want to lash out at the world for having what I have lost. You were a wonderful child, friend, and father to your son. It makes no sense to me. I am constantlt asking WHY WHY WHY WHY? Really, FUCKING WHY??????????? The only thing I can look forward to is the day I can die and see you again. But, I cant...yet...your son needs to know you through me. Besides, if I go now...Pops will be left here, alone. The three musketeers. God, words cannot express how much we miss you. Or how much we love you. Or, the profound, painful sorrow that sits with us every second of everyday...My son. My son....

Frankie...

Your beautiful beautiful beautiful Boy.....He will be 4 on Thursday.....

https://youtu.be/L0VgMv_XDfo


Frankie, I just found this beautiful you tube video.....You were an amazing Dad while you were here. I am so sorry you didnt have the chance to see him grow up. You are a beautiful boy, my son.
I love you so much, you sweet man.

I fucking hate the man who owns the guitar I saw in her living room...

Sometimes, I think you are the lucky one. This world is disgusting. Its is filled with savage men and women. I think that it might be a good idea if we were wiped from the face of this earth, again. Save the animals, THEY are worth it. Why are people so callous and cruel to beings so innocent, trusting, and mild. I HATE this world, and all the deviants that inhabit it. Save the few. Frankie, I miss you.....I cannot wait to be together, again. -Mom

Not feeling well. Can't seem to shake this respiratory/head thing...I miss you. I want you to make me laugh, and call me a wuss. I want to hear your voice again.....

So, Ilana is starting to move on in her life. It was a blow to your Pops and me....It was like being punched in the stomach. The myriad of emotions swept over me like a wave. My God, I felt like you died all over again. You see, it only seems like yesterday, so when she told us this...I was angry. I was actually angry, like she is cheating on you! I know you are dead....God, just typing those words....but she is serious, after two years. I guess life does go on. I just feel like my boy is being left on the roadside. I worry that your boy will be calling someone else Daddy. That he should be riding on your shoulders, not someone elses......Frankie....I know....I know.....but, its breaking my heart.

I dont know what to do with all of this. Its so hard. Its more complicated as time goes by. I cry for the loss of you, I cry for the loss of your memory as people move on. I will never forget you. Even saying that is bizarre. You feel like you are still here, why should I be saying I will never forget you? How absurd! That's like saying I i might forget to breathe....Impossible, when you are like my arms, my legs,...my heart.....

I know you are somewhere. You are glorious wherever you are. My small mind can't grasp where you are, where I hope you are. Please meet me at the golden place when I die. I long for the day when we three will be one energy again...and then when your son gets old, he will come and see you again....

I sound insane,
I feel insane.
I am insane...
Insane with this profound sorrow.

Don't leave without us, my handsome son.
I love you, Frankie Boy.

When I think of you, not being able to breathe. Slowly suffocating. Blue.        

I feel like I can't live another moment.

I have to talk myself down off the cliff. 

I hate that you had to suffer so much, so quickly. 

My baby, my boy. 

I can't. I just can't.

I love you so much.

I miss you.

I miss you. 

I miss you forever.

This was sent to your sweet girl, Ilana,  on Valentines Day 2016. Its hard to kill these plants, and you know how hard she is on plants! LOL! Last year I sent her a HUGE cactii arrangement. Its STILL alive! You would be proud of her! lol!
So, I will keep doing this until...well, you know....
I miss you Frankie. I miss our laughter and love.
All the joking, and all the aggravation.
I would do anything to have it all back....
I love you, son.
Happy Valentines Day in the Cosmos...

I miss you, my pride and joy...
I think about you about a billion times a day.
I ring the singing bow three meaningful times before I leave the house every morning.
Its funny, but I have to shut the door before the last vibration stops....
I guess I want to capture it there for the day, and imagine it humming around with good energy all over the house. Maybe you will hear it, and smile.
God, this is hard, Frankie.
I am so sorry.
I wish it could have been me, instead of you. I swear that on my soul.
You were a light in the world that should NOT have been snuffed out.
I hope you can see Jackie, and how awesome he is, and is becoming. Oh, Frankie....he has so many of your wonderful quirky ways!!! How does he do that? Well, I HAVE a theory! (lol)...Its you. I know that in my heart of hearts. You must be so proud, of him...and Ilana. She is a strong girl....
Let me stop, or I will start sobbing again.
I love you forever and always, my little brown boy.....
I hope you are flying with umbrellas on skateboards up there in the cosmos, comrade!
Be FREE! Be FREE!

Its Louie Louiee! She misses you, and your crazy antics....

Oh, Frankie.
I miss you so.....

My God, I cant stand it. I miss you more everyday...

My hands,
like magnets.

Find the walls
of his room.

I try to sleep.

Brain matter
slips from my ears
to the pillow.

It is
the slow exile
of my soul.

I am slipping
into madness.


I miss you.

Your son was the most amazing gift. In the middle of this horrific tragedy, there are moments when joy finds me. And it is usually your boy who makes my heart sing. When he leaves with his mamita, I stand in the middle of the street with my "I love You" sign raised high. I do not move until they are out of sight, over the hill on the road that leads away. 

 I would do anything to have you back, my beloved son. Anything, just so you would have a happy, long life with your Ilana and Jackie. And, I know it can NEVER happen as it should have. But, I still pretend that maybe there IS magic in the world....until I remember that this is the real world, and you are ash. 

Thank you for having that little boy to help us live through the rest of our lives without our first love.....I miss you forever. I hope you are waiting in some kind of heavenly place. I will know you, no matter what form we are. I love you so much, Frankie. I love you so much. 

My boy you will always be...