This just looks "ridiculous" to me now. It doesnt look like an emotion at all. It looks fake.

I miss you so much, Frankie boy.

Frankie, You must be proud of your fiance. She has been so strong. She misses you more than you could ever know.  She is such a good Mama to your boy. You two made someone amazing when you had Jack Aiden. 

We all miss you, my son...now and always. 

So, Christmas is coming. I try so hard to feel the spirit. For Jackie. I will never have the joy of the Christmas' spent with you and Pops. Those are golden moment that will never be equaled. I knew they were gold at the time they were happening, and I felt so lucky and so blessed.
So, the rug ripped out from under us, I will forever hold on to those years with you as treasures. Because they were, and they are. I promised you that I would show Jackie all the magic that you had as a child. I will keep my word, and I have, even now in the dark days. But, when he goes home, the smile fades, and the sorrow takes over. I remember the magic. He will have it. I am giving it to him. Once given, I will not keep any for myself. Never again. I curse the universe now everyday for 2 years for ripping you from us. I hate the world, except for those I love. Sometimes I even get angry at my own family for having what they have. Thats the grief talking, but it is what I feel in this hole that I always live in now. I don't know how long this can go on without consequences. This anger, this hurt, this profound and dark sorrow. All I know is that where you are is where I want to be. I want that, but I cannot leave your Pops and your son. So, the invisible string of love pulls me from both ends. I love you so much Frankie. It IS a physical hurt. Broken hearts are a physical pain, they are real. I talk to you everyday, all through the day. Life without you is hollow and empty. It is a desiccated life now. It will be until I die. I will go through the motions, and try to find joy. But there is no point. There is none left for me.

We felt you near...

I miss you so much....

My handsome Boy, and his boy....

RIP my my son, my sun.

Jackie is coming for an overnight on Friday. I pick him up at school, and make sure I have GUMMI BEARS at the ready. Its our routine when I pick him up. Oh Frankie, He is so much like you. He "holds Court" with the kids in class. They all gather around him when he comes in. He is like a magnet. It reminds me of you and the many many times I have seen you in the middle of a group holding court, laughing, telling stories. It is wonderful to see him emulate you, but it hurts too. I love you, my son. 

Pops went to the horse farm last night to do a white noise recording in the barn.  He was with a few people, and asked, "Frankie, are you there?". Twice, he repeated. When they listemed to the recording, after the question was asked, they heard, question. Then, "Dad?" Question, then answer, "Dad?".

I haven't heard it yet, but I will know when I hear it. 

I miss going to the movies with you. Random, I know...but these things pop in my head.....I have had the need to ask you to go to the movies so many times. It will be 2 years, 2 weeks from yesterday. I hate November, I hate November 15. Actually, now, I just hate everyday. Just bideing my time until I die. 

Frankie.
How can it be that two years have passed since your soul left this world?  It seems like yesterday, yet it has been an eternity. Everyday is an agonizing voyage, soothed only by sleep. And even sleep does not come easy. I thought I have had a broken heart before, but no. Those were bruises compared to the pain, real pain that lives in my chest. Ever minute, I say,  "I can't, I cannot DO this..." Yet, somehow, I keep moving, the world keeps spinning, and you are not part of the spin anymore. I try to tell myself that you are safe now, free from any harm. Then, I think, "is he?" How do we know? I dream that you are screaming to me from another dimension. That you are scare, and in pain! And, I keep trudging along in this world, with my head down and my ears closed to the voice that I love so dearly.  I hope that its not true. I hope, also, that there is not just...nothingness. To think that there is nothing, fills me with a morbid desperation. Please let it not be so. Please. I cant bear the thought of never meeting your soul again.
I curse "god". Even though I say there is no god. I curse him with "FUCK YOU'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!". If he was real, I would KILL him....
I know how crazy I must sound. I am.
I live for the day when I can die, and find you again. I love you, my son. Forever and always.

From Jackie and Oma's Art Room!!!!! For Daddy from Jack.

seriously...

Good morning my boy. I think your death is slowly killing me. I am trying, but I think I am losing my footing…

My only son.

https://youtu.be/PUhuPn8_d0Q

Our favorite movie on one of our favorite holidays....I miss Halloweens with you....

We saw a man in profile (Alison and I). Je was lighting a cigarette. Ilana had her back to him. Before anything was even said, we were both looking at him. Alison turned her head towards me, and said, "Oh, Come ON!"....
Because for a split second in time...it was YOU. The moment passed when Ilana turned, saw, and said "NO!". She wouldnt entertain it. You are much handsomer. But, was it you? Did you flicker inside that soul to see us, and for us to see you? I love you Frankie....so much.

I feel you all around us. I know it should make me feel better, but it doesnt. I want YOU back, Frankie. I have so much to tell you. I have questions that you would absurdly understand, and have an answer....I miss your smile, I miss your laughter. I miss you picking on me with an impish grin. I miss you my most loved son....

Sometimes I am walking through a parking lot, or at home, or in the yard....And I feel the world "shift" just a little. It always make me feel like I could have walked through a "door", but just barely missed it. I can't help but feel that it is a way to you, and you are trying to get to me. Trying to let me know you "are", only somewhere else. In another form, but "alive" in energy form. I know this would sound crazy to most people, but even when you were here, you would have thought it was an awesome possibility. I love you my sun....

Ilana sent this to me today. She said you would have laughed your ASS off...

Frankie. I have no words anymore. Just an unbearable ache in my heart and soul that will not leave. I drive to work, and think how easy it would be, with one slight jerk of the steering wheel. Easy way out. Not for me. Its been almost 2 years, and the pain has increased exponentially, why? why? Unfathomable dream state. HOW can you be GONE? We see Jackie growing, and we cry. You loved him so fucking much, and you were torn away. WHY? WHY? Why the FUCK did this have to happen? I call "BULLSHIT". I have no words to express the misery of living everyday with the loss. I wont, but I want to close my eyes.  I miss you Frankie boy. I cant stand it. But I have to.

Sometimes I get scared that I have forgotten the sound of your voice, or the sound of your footsteps coming down the steps, or your amazing laugh...
But, then, I "hear" you calling my name, or laughing in the distance. Out of the blue....I miss you, son. 

I talk to you all the time. Do you hear me?

I felt like I would go insane this morning.
I cannot wrap my head and heart around the fact that you are gone....
I cried all morning....oh, my boy....my boy...

Do I really feel you near me?
Or am I self medicating?

Each of us has been given gifts and talents. Our combinations of gifts are unique to us. Though we may look at others and think we may never be “as good as” they are in something, or that “we’re better than” someone else in something else, those comparisons really do not have anyone’s best interest in mind. It’s kind of like saying, “That grand piano will never drive as fast as that sports car.” Well of course it won’t, it wasn’t designed for driving. It was designed to play beautiful music. Rather that feeling blue about what we do not have or who we are not, we can learn to appreciate what we do have and exactly who we are. It just requires a shift of focus. If your passion and talent is in one area, even if the area doesn’t seem to be practical, it’s important that you develop your talent and enjoy it as much as you can. People around you can benefit from it, and most millionaires and billionaires were made because they had a passion for a certain thing and a career or business formed around that passion. The world may not need another chef, or another party planner, or another actor. But the world really doesn’t need another anything. There are plenty of people to fill all the roles in society. What the world DOES need, is more passion and joy. When you love doing something, and you share it with people around you, thethe joy is contagious. You can inspire other people to get more active in what they love doing, whether it’s the same as you or not. To use your gifts and celebrate them is an incredible display of humility as it shows that these gifts are appreciated and were given to the right person.

Zantamata, Doe (2012-01-18). Happiness in Your Life - Book One: Karma (p. 14).  . Kindle Edition.

I woke up this morning and wanted to talk to you so badly. I have been having a tough time, yeah worse than usual....I just can't seem to move through my life anymore. Its so hard to get through a day. I just want to sleep. I want to tell you about the baby, my art, my ideas, send you off the wall shit from the internet. I want to laugh with you like no one else ever made me laugh. You always got my sense of humor, and my sideways thinking. I miss you saying, "Allllright (making fun of me", and your "Dieter" voice, and your hugs. I love you so much, Frankie. I hope that heaven is real, because I hold on to that so tightly. If we never get to "see" each other again, I would give up, because then, whats the point? I love your son so much, it hurts. He is a joy and a sorrow because he is SO much like you....I hold on, sweetie. But, my grip is slipping.

Frankie, I heard you this morning. And, if its true...please be there and help me through it, please.
I need your strength right now, please.

Frankie.

i MISSED YOU WHEN I BLEW OUT MY BIRTHDAY CANDLES. I MISS YOU EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR, EVERY MINUTE, EVERY SECOND....I MISS YOU SON. I MISS YOU.

Everything I do, until the day I die....will be done with you in my heart and soul. I will surround myself with love by giving it. I will be the best I can be each and every day. I will be true to myself, and try to always be in the present moment. I love you Frankie. You are not just a memory, you are living energy, and I feel you all around me and our loved ones, each and every day. My little brown eyed boy...

I miss you every second of every day....but Fridays are the most painful. You were born on Good Friday, and left us on a Friday, and I will always especially miss you on a Friday....I love you, my son. Always and Forever....

As long as I'm living, so will you....
I miss you more than words could say.
Please be in a heavenly place. Please let it be a real place, so we can all be together again someday...
Please please please.

Frankie.....please

"They say that everyone dies two times. Once, when they stop breathing, and a second time, a while later...when their name is spoken for the very last time...."

I read this, and I cannot stop thinking about it. I say your name each and everyday many many times, out loud and in my head.

Now, after reading this, I will say the roll call out loud every time I think of someone that I have loved and lost.

 I cant breathe from missing you Frankie. Help me.

Jackie is at oma and pop pops house for two days. Camp is over, and his "school" starts again. Frankie, I hope you can see him from wherever you are. He is a smart, empathetic, funny, and handsome boy. Just like his Dad and Mom.... You are in his eyes, and soul. I showed him a book I made for him. It has lots of photos of you in there, and him, and his mama. He said, "That's MY Dad...MY Dad! " And he would kiss your pictures...It broke my heart, yet made my heart leap with a bittersweet joy.....
He is going to be your LIVING LEGACY....He will make a huge difference in this world. I can feel that...Your boy.

I get Jackie tonight! I am going to pick him up at school. It always brings a smile to my face and heart to be around him. Although I stand in the middle of the street and cry as they drive away....I love you Frankie.

I was in your room, doing my art. I looked at the door and got up and walked over to it. Under the shirts, and scarves, are the pants you wore on that last day. They still had the belt in the loops. I sobbed, as I grabbed them and held them to me. They still smell like you, and it is profoundly heartbreaking to smell the "you" that is forever gone. I miss you, my son. I dont want this life without you. I know things can never be as they were, but I still pray that this is all a mistake, or a dream, and I will wake up. I plead with the universe, everyday. In soft whispers, I repeat over and over, "please....please..." It is my mantra. I love you, my brown eyed boy....for eternity. -Mama

I thought I heard you coming down the steps again yesterday. And, for that wonderful millisecond...believed that it was you. It still amazes me that I can genuinely believe it is you, for that flash of time. That flash is like seeing into another time just before your intellect can get you back on the road....Does that make sense? I can't articulate the clarity of that everlasting moment...I just want to lose myself in that place where you still are....

Please keep coming to us, however you can. We look for you everywhere. We will ALWAYS look for you everywhere....

Your son. I swear to the universe that he is channeling you. There are so many similarities that cannot, cannot be chance. I constantly call him Frankie. He makes me joyous and profoundly sorrowful at any given moment. You must be proud of your son. There are no words that can describe the emotion that has become our everyday. I find the world a hollow, and joyless place. I look for you everywhere. I want to scream in the middle of nowhere, and screech like a maniac in a crowd. FRANKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Fuck, how I miss you. Its killing me, my son.

I was making the bed, crying this morning. I was thinking of you, and how many more years of beds I would make in my lifetime. How many more years will we live without you. Will you fade from our minds and hearts like an old photo? i can't bear the thought of you being gone that long from me....I don't know exactly how to explain this awful feeling of getting farther away in time from you. My son, my son, my son...I want the world to have known you longer, and you the world....

I wanted people to see you become the man you were meant to be, the father, and the friend. You were so loved, and loving, and good. But I know you were evolving, I could see you "becoming". Why did you have to go so young?!? Why? Why? I miss your laugh, I miss your jibes. I miss you, even when you were being "Cranky Frankie". I still smell the shirts hanging on the back of your door. But, your smell is fading, and that scares me more than anything. I can't explain these horrible fears and sadness. I just want to get to you. I don't know if you are floating out in the universe, or sitting on the right hand side of Buddha, or God, or a highly evolved Alien....I miss you son of mine. You shine in my soul, and I will never stop missing you or loving you, or remembering you. -Momz

The night before last, I was in the living room. It was about 10PM. Griffy dog stood up abruptly, and started barking towards the kitchen.  It startled me so, that I got up to look to see what he was barking at. The front door was closed, and there was no reason for company that late. I looked, and started to walk closer, I was seeing something I couldn’t wrap my brain around. I thought my eyes were buggy from being tired. I was seeing a green colored, moving  light…but, that isn’t a good enough explanation. It was like a green aurora borealis , muted and miniature. As I approached, I could SWEAR it took on a playful, almost dancing movement. The hair on my arms stood straight UP! I knew  it was you, Frankie. It wasn’t even something that I thought about. No, “Could it be, maybe it’s,…” There was not a conscious thought, I just KNEW it was you. I could feel the joy in it. Then, I got scared. I turned around and ran into the bedroom, and WOKE your Pops up. I was scared and excited and I was happy all at once. He woke up and smiled when I told him. He believes you are here all the time. I do to, sometimes I talk myself into it, out of desperation. But, Frankie…this time…it was SO unexpected, and GENUINE!!!!!!!

After I came back into the living room, the glow was gone. But, I still felt you. And, I said to you, “ Frankie, remember when you were still in human form and how scared you got when you had contact with the ghosts in our house? You were excited, but scared too? Please have patience with me, because I am still in human form, and I am scared and happy. I want you to be here when you can, but forgive me if I am afraid sometimes. It came as such a surprise. If you can remember how it feels from my end, proceed haunting us whenever you want, as much as you want…but remember we are human, and proceed with that in mind.” I then went back to the couch, and wasn’t afraid…only happy. Wolfgang was all creeped out, and he was on the couch with me. No room to sleep. So, we all went to your room. Griffin on the floor, Wolfie with me on the bed. I felt like I was being cradled by your spirit. We fell asleep, and slept all night. Frankie, I love doing my art in your room. I feel closer to you, and I know you inspire me, and feel your hand on my shoulder. I know how proud you are that we are trying to “live” without you…I wish we could have done art together. I KNOW you would have had a blast, and when I make a particularly satisfying, or funky piece I have a conversation with you about it, sometimes silently. Sometimes out loud. I picture your handsome face, and I smile back at you. Your face is filled with love, and it is bittersweet. I love you, my Frankie Boy…

Frankie
I am having a hard time.
I fight the black feeling.
I fight to hold on.
It would be easy to let go.
I fucking miss you with everything I have.
I am so FUCKING angry, and I miss your face.
I miss your laugh.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss my funny son.
I miss my cranky son.
I miss Jacks Dad, and Ilanas fiance.
I miss you and Pops, together.
I miss the Pops when you were still here.
So much has changed.
I hate it here without you...

Your son is everything you'd hoped he would be. He is handsome, smart, passionate, stubborn, humorous and quirky. He thinks for himself, and is amazingly empathetic. I cannot help but feel he has more than your DNA...No, he definitely has a piece of your soul, your spirit working in him, and through him. He is one of a kind in a world of sames. I am increasingly proud of that "no, Oma! I'm a BIG boy!..." little boy....And, I know you are too. I love him so very much. Words could never explain. He is our thread to you, and he is not. He is joy, and he is sadness. We laugh and we cry at the wonderful moments we share with him. All these "sparring" emotions, because you are here, but you are not here. I love you so much, my son. I will never forget, and I look forward to the day we will be together again. Until then, we will look for you in the night sky, and remember....

I don’t know when I started to do this visualization. I do know it began years and years but it has increased since Frankie died in 2013. When I see an animal dead on the side of the road, I visualize picking it up. I cradle it in my arms, until it starts to change back to the warm, living, breathing, soft sweet soul it was in life. I pet, and stroke the animal’s body, and talk to it sweetly. Their (sometimes gruesome)  injuries start receding, and healing. I feel them becoming warm again, their stiff bodies becoming warm. Their fur softens and becomes velvety to the touch. They all react differently when they open their eyes. They all take a different amount of time and way to do it. Some of them jump from my lap in a short time…upward…..Some grab my fingers like baby’s as I stroke the space between their eyes, and rub their faces on my hands. Others will crawl on to my shoulder, and nuzzle their noses in my hair, and neck. They will either go to the other shoulder and jump to heaven, or on to my head, and lift off from there. Sometimes, mainly Possums (don’t know why), will climb on my head, and look down at my face and sniff or lick my face before they go. For some reason, when the possums go up, I say out loud, “I love you, Possum”. I feel the love for the raccoon, squirrels, groundhogs, deer, cats, dogs, but the possums seem to have a special spirit for me. I don’t know why, but that’s what I feel. I know it sounds like a crazy thing to do, but I am compelled to do it. It’s an amazing release for me, and I feel like I am acknowledging their existence, that they mattered. And, I know they don’t really need my help to get to heaven. But, for me, I think I do it for all the pain they suffered alone. All the animals that suffer at the hands of men. I cannot do anything about all of those poor innocents, but I can do this. Sending them off with love and light. In honor of them and all the unseen, tortured and forgotten souls. 

Alison, Patrick, Nathaniel, and Jackie were at the house this weekend. I know you were too. I could feel you there with us, smiling that smile of yours.
I love you, handsome man.

Another day closer to you.

Where are you? I need you, comrade....I miss laughing with you. I miss arguing with you. I would LOVE to have one more afternoon with you, even if it meant one of those Sunday afternoons when the Jets were losing the game, and you were losing your temper. Yup, I would give anything to have you back. Anything, even my own life.
Oh, Frankie....

Jessie and Erin got married on Saturday. Ilana and the baby went. She said it was beautiful and sad. She cried and smiled, and Jackie danced. He was the hit of the party, as usual. Your Dad kept telling me about the photos that were being posted on Facebook, and I could not look at them....I cried a lot this weekend. Travis's girlfriend had a baby shower. I thought I could go, until I couldnt...I know it sounds melodramatic, Frankie...but it breaks my heart to watch life go on this way. I understand everyone deserves their happiness...but....so did you...

I look at this photo of you...The kitchen. Still has the keys hanging above the door. Cabinets the same. Everything looks the same, except you are gone. I stand in the spaces you were, and try to feel you. My heart is broken, its broken so badly I think it will never recover. Its so to hard knowing that you are gone from this world, from us, from our touch. You were JUST here, I saw you walking to the car. I walk around everyday with this profound sorrow and a foggy bewildered feeling....I don't know how to do this, my boy. All I know is that I miss you more everyday, and I look to the day we will meet again. You are more loved than you would ever have known, forever. - Mama

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