I think about you every moment of everyday. I miss you so very much. I know that a heart can actually be broken, shattered, and filled with unending pain. I love you my son. I will love you always and forever. I cant wait until I see you again...only then will I find my joy again. I'm so sorry, Frankie....I am so sorry.....

No warning...no warning.... I would do anything to go back and get you to the hospital weeks before your death date, and tell them to do all the testing they could do. I would mortgage the house, lose the house, lose everything, including my life if you could only have had lived...... I feel you around me, and yet, its not enough. Nothing will ever be enough again. The joy is gone. Except for the love of our family, there is nothing...nothing...Your death has changed our lives forever. I know you didnt want to die....those were some of the last words I heard you speak.....I am so sorry Frankie, I would trade places with you, and feel that pain over and over again, if it would bring you back.....My boy. my boy. Words can never describe the love and loss we feel. You were such a good man, father, son and husband to be. There will never be a reason good enough to explain why someone like you had to go, when there are so many that do not deserve the gift of life... I am so sorry, I miss my boy with a pain that has broken everything inside of me. My baby, my boy, my grown son. Forever loved, and remembered, and honored. As long as we live, you will never die. Your son will know you, like you felt you knew my Dad....through stories and the love. I am so FUCKING angry, and sad all at once. I HATE the world without you. Nothing looks the same. Its all shit, save family. Even with them, I still want to go and find you. I hope with all that is in me, that we will meet again. That I can hug you, and smell your little boy hair, and laugh with you. You always had the best laugh, and smile. I love you, my frankie boy. I will search the night skies for you every night until I die.

Shine On, Love...

Hit by the sadness wave...again!!

Today it seems that the wave of sadness has hit the beach and pulled me out with it. In fact the past few days have been that way. I was just telling Mom that I feel like I want to spend the weekend drunk, crying, angry, hitting and breaking things , etc. We all know that I won't tho. don't we!
Thanks for slamming the bedroom door the other night when Mom and I were lying in bed talking about you. It scared the shit out of me, but also made me laugh.
Your son is something else...just like his Dad!
Fridays are tough...for all of us!
Love you kid

Pops
xxooxxoo

A Love without End, Amen......

You can't be gone. I still hear your voice in the house. I hear you coming down the steps. I hear your laugh.

My son. You were so very very very missed yesterday on Fathers Day. Your Dad is heartbroken, and days like that even more so.....You have some wonderful friends who made him feel so loved on a day that was yours and his. We miss you with everything we have. I love you more than words could ever convey. My sonny boy. My Frankie boy....

From: Lilly Baird [mailto:lilypad1957@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, March 10, 2014 1:54 PM
To: Lynn Ruiz
Subject: Re: Emailing: jaguar-04

 

He's beautiful. I had a dream last night where you were hiding under your bed and nobody could get you out. Then Frankie came into your room, kneeled down and gave you his hand to grab. He said cmon mom and out came your hand.

I miss you something fierce today. It always seems to happen that when something good happens, like yesterday and Saturday night….the next few days I go downhill from the happiness of the possibility that you are “with”  us…….

 Yesterday, you were all around me while I was at the gym. I could “feel” you moving all around me….When I think of it now, it was like you used to tease me when I worked out. You remember…you would come in and do your “And, ONE and TWO, and THREE!....” And imitate my moves, until I made you leave….you were so cute, Frankie…..

But, that’s the first time I have really felt you were with me……It was mesmerizing. I shut my eyes on the stationary bike and kept pedaling and felt your energy……

Fathers Day is this coming Sunday. The first one since you have been gone. I hope with all my heart that you can give your Pops a sign to help him through the day....He misses you profoundly. We are not the same without you. The joy has left our lives. True that Jackie is a blessing, but we miss our son, our comrade, our boy.....I love you so very much sweetie.

Please be with Ilana and Pops if you can.....their sorrow is deep and wide.

You are so missed, Frankie...

Happy Fathers Day to you, baby. You were a phenomenal father. It was a great loss to your son, for the man he will never know. Never learn all those wonderful things that only you could have taught him. Sure, he will learn everything he needs to learn. But your special "take" on life, your passion, and your sense of humor will be missed out on by him. Our stories can help, videos, etc. But, he will most of all miss out on the intense love you had for him. It hurts my heart right now how it was to watch you with him, and the way your face was so full of joy and love for him.....A great and horrible loss.....

I love you with my whole heart and soul.
And, look for you everyday, everywhere.
Even knowing you are gone, I believe I can find you still....
Eternal love, my Frankie.

Frankie,
We went to Camp Geiger this past weekend. If you only knew how many people loved and respected you. The memorial was so moving. Andrew Beard wept through the entire service. He sang through tears along from the ranks when Rich sang The Minstrel Boy....
Later, after the service, he cried so hard on Robins shoulder, he snotted up her shawl...It was so sad and cute at the same time. He really loved you, as did so many....
I was told later that there was not a dry eye in the ranks. The Chaplain spoke, and a few men spoke.....beautiful words. Your Dad spoke eloquently, and your Jackie Boy came up behind him and stood there a little to his left during his speech. Your Pops didnt know he was there. Then he walked back to us behind Pops. It was like you were there, through Jackie.
They dubbed the trenched "Fort Ruiz", and presented us with a sign, which I will post. Your trench digs were left empty in honor of you.
So many people loved/love you Frankie. You were a mentor to so many up and coming kids, older newbies, and just anyone who needed help.....Your little bits of encouragement during all those years, a pat on the back, a smile, and an "ATTABOY" were all mentioned over and over by people who came by to see us during the weekend. Your tireless work to help the UV become realized was a topic that was repeated again and again. There were funny stories about your antics, and shenanigans! It all made me proud of and amazed at you! I always told you how proud you made us, but THIS! This was over the top, and we can only say how this just confirmed what we ALREADY KNEW you were made of.....Huzzah, my son...Huzzah!
I love you to the Moon and Back.
Mama

Lynn, Frank, Ilana and Jack,

My Grandmother wrote this poem while she was dying of cancer. She lost a son to Polio at age 20 in 1950. She wrote this about the loss of her precious son. I only thought it was fitting to share this with you.

All my love.

Jay

"God gives an extra blessing to the loved one, whose loved ones trust when his young work is done.

That he is safe in hands unmatched on earth, that death is a reward, a second birth.

And all the things he wanted yesterday
Are his Today a thousandfold: and say

That you believe that he still lives

God never takes away the life he gives".

Well done, my son.
I KNEW you would have the strength to reach out....
I love you.

Hi Lynn,I looked out into my yard today and I see this one single beautiful
purple flower growing in my yard. I'm shaking and crying at the same time, and
you know why because you wore purple on mother's day and I have been thinking
about Frankie a lot and I wanted him to be here and its what your son and I had
spoke about him to visit. This is a sign from him telling me he is here.  I just
now took all 4sides of this beautiful purple perfect flower from Frank Jr. For
you Lynn,I love you xoxo.
Susan

Thoughts

Frankie

There are some things that I am trying to wrap my brain around since your passing. The support of so many people was and is amazing. I was talking to Kasey a week ago or so and we were on the subject of coping with your death.

I explained to her that although your mom and I prefer to be alone sometimes that isn’t always the case. Sometimes we need, want company and it’s not there.

 I liken it to, a large celebration, say the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Hundreds of people, marching bands, floats, confetti, etc.  And as the parade ends the crowds begin to thin, the silence increases, the street sweepers begin the cleanup, and a few stragglers remain. Like at the end of the old Carol Burnett show, she would portray a cleaning lady and was mopping up the spot light. When she finally mopped the last spec of light the screen went black. And we are left alone with our pain and grief.

Granted, when we were on the other side of grief, we acted the same way. Not knowing what to say or how to approach the grieving. But I have come to learn that it’s okay to approach the grieving. It’s okay to talk about our loss.  Mom and I enjoy talking about you and remembering. In my opinion this keeps you alive and in the now. It helps me to cope.  People need to realize that we do not have leprosy or a contagious disease, if you get close to us it won’t cause one of your children or loved ones to die.

Additionally, if you see us smile or laugh, if we crack a joke or seem to be enjoying ourselves it doesn’t mean that we are okay. We are learning to conceal our grief, our pain, for fear of alienating friends or family. We try hard not to feel guilty or apologize for being sad or for talking about “IT”.  Well, “IT” happened and “IT” is reality, and “IT” has hurt us to our very core.

The fact remains that you are our child and can NEVER be replaced.  A spouse or partner, though extremely painful to lose, can be supplemented with another spouse or partner if you so choose. You can never really replace a child, your flesh and blood. YOUR offspring.

This is in no way a condemnation of anyone in particular or a group. It is however a statement of “OUR” reality and the reality of so many other grieving people.

Thanks to all of those who consistently support us. And thanks to my “unofficial adoptees”, you young men and women truly do help to ease our pain.

I will step down off my soapbox now.

Love you

Pops

XXOOXXOOXX

Frankie,
Six months. It feels like forever and it feels like only yesterday. I miss you with all my heart and soul.
Your cousin is getting married this weekend. I am glad for her, sad for you. Why?! Why?! WHY?
Why? Why? Why? Why?  Why didnt we have a warning, of any kind? We could have saved you, you would be here with us. I do not understand why this had to happen to you, and I never will. I am going to call the MORGUE right now, because those Mother Fuckers STILL havent told us the results. AKA: WHY my ONLY SON DIED?!?!?! FUCK fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I miss your face and your smile. I missed your Moms Day card filled with your own heartfelt sentiments that always made me cry for joy. You made me feel blessed as a Mother. I will forever be grateful for your loving soul, and passionate spirit. I felt you near me on Mothers day yesterday, whispering "Alllllriiighttt...." in my ear. LOL!
You made my life complete, and I will do all that is in my power to give your son everybit of you that I can. It is my mission now and ever.
I love you always my son.
Forever,
Mama

Your son is now singing the Happy Birthday song...I mean REALLY singing it....He pronounces tew yewwww....and he stares at you because he is concentrating on it...so CUTE!
And, get THIS.....he sings, "and MANY Mooooore!" at the end!!!!!!!!!
You must be beaming up there at him!!!!!!!!!! I love you, my son.

Today is Daddys birthday, and I know his heart is breaking for the lack of you today more than ever. Your awesome birthday card will be missed so very much. You always had a way of writing so beautifully what you felt. You never failed to make us cry out of joy and love. I hope you realized how much those words and thoughts meant to us. We always tried to show you how very much you were loved, as you showed us how much we were loved. You are with us today, and always my son...Love always, Mama.

I promise...

Your Aunt Lilly has been my savior and GodSend. She misses you with all her heart. She grieves for the fights and the lost time with you. She has finally realized (I Hope) how much you loved her through all your life, until the end. I love you, my frankie boy.

Oh Frankie......
My heart is breaking, and I dont want to be here without you.....

So, remember I was telling you last year about the guy who was going to do the WWII demos at Bethpage? He came back by my job today to give me the information for you for this years event.....I told him you had passed away....He felt terrible and apologized over and over. After he left, I cried and cried.
I miss you and all your military talk, and I will never get over the loss of you and all you took with you....I love you so much, my Frankie Boy...

Jackie-isms for today:
Oh, De-ah! (Oh Dear)
Goobus! (school bus)
Head tilted to the side, attitude face, "Oh, REEEALLY?!?" So freaking cute.

Your boy looks at the sky, just like you did. He has to point out the airplanes repeatedly and he calls to the moon at night. He is such a unique child. I know I am saying this as a Grandmother, but I have seen and known my share of children. He is so special, and I think in ways we cannot even imagine. You did well my son....I try not to think of how sad it is that he will not have the benefit of your guidance and love as he grows up. But, I also think you ARE with him, actually and in the people all around him who loved you, and who you loved. You and Ilana made someone who is going to change the world in some wonderful way, large or small. He matters big time to this world. Thank you for bringing him into this world. I love you so much, my son. Always and forever. Mama.

Your Son, Jack Aiden, looks at your photo and says Da Da and kisses your face......

He is such a charming, loving, sweet and sensitive boy. And, he also has your and Ilanas stubbornness and Intelligence. He is going to make you prouder and prouder. I know you are watching with a swelled chest, PaPa!

Everytime I see your face, its like coming home. Hard to believe I will never see it for real...ever again. You will never die in my heart. I hope with all my heart that there is an afterlife and that I will see you again. That is what keeps me going. And, should there be only nothingness after death. I guess thats ok, in a way, because I will be finished with the pain of losing you. I love you, my one and only..."my son you will always be...." Mama

Happy Birthday to my one and only. The world is gray and ugly now. Things will never be the same without you. You were smart, handsome, funny, and commanding. You made an impression on everyone you met. You never bowed to anyone, and it caused you to suffer for it at times. But, I adored that in you, and wish I could channel even a bit of that in myself. I love you so very much, Frankie. I will never forget a thing.....My joy will come back only when I come to be with you again. Please, save a spot for us......My boy, forever you will be. Love you, Mama.

I miss you.

My beautiful boys....

Its only me out here talking to myself and you. Posting things that people have said.
This world sucks without you. It will always suck, and I have so much hate and anger inside of me, that I am amazed at some of the hateful things I can think........I will never get over this.

I heard your voice on a short video with Jackie. And, it was like water to my parched soul. It was comforting, and heartbreaking. Sorry to sound so melodramatic, but thats exactly what it is.....My life is gone, and this new one is an uglier, sadder, and pointless place. I know I am lucky to be so loved by my family, but I only want to be with you. I am not afraid to die anymore. I will not do anything to speed up the process, but when it happens, I will be happy again. I could tear the hair from my head, and peel my own skin off, and it would be less painful than the loss of you. I honestly dont know if I can make it, but I am trying. I put my game face on, and on I go. No one knows the gut wrentching truth. The agony, the sorrow, the screaming, and name calling I hurl towards a God that does not exist for me anymore. Any God that would let this happen is a Cock sucking Cunt, and let him strike me dead, because.....see? I am still here, so I have to hope with all my might that there is an energy of some sort that is higher and too complicated for us to understand. And, all I hope for is that within that energy, I will be able to see you again in another space and form. But, that I will know you by the love. Please, let it be so.

He was special, Lynn! He really made me feel welcome when I joined the 14th. I will always remember my first Rem day when he saved me from the annoying drunk by telling him I was engaged to Mark!!! That was the start of an amazing friendship, and I always have thought of you & Frank & Frankie as family. I loved to speak about history with him and I always enjoyed the quirky things we would talk about. Thanks for saying what you did...it means a lot!!!

Hope you are doing better...I know he's looking out for both you and Frank and little Jack too!! Looking forward to seeing you!!!!!

Love,

Robin

I am having a day filled with tears, and regrets. I am angry and sad....I love you so much Frankie, and looking at your picture on here just compounds the bizarre reality that you are no longer here with us. I HATE it, and I curse the Universe for taking you from us. In the next moment I thank the Cosmos that we had you, and knew you, and made so many AWESOME memories with you. We shared hard times with you, and you always rose to the challenge. We were INVINCIBLE when we were all together. And, our spirits are still connected, so I have to remember that. And, channel it, and we can still be the three musketeers, eternally.
Frankie, you were my wonderful little boy. A gift that we were so proud and lucky to have been given. You will always be with us. With my last breath, your name, and Pops name will be the last words on my lips.......I cant wait to see you again, my Frankie Boy.....
Eternal Love,
Mama

Hi Frank,

Just checking in on you. I have not spoke to you since the funeral. Hope you and the family are doing ok and just to let you know Frank Jr. spirit lives on. We were telling jokes about him last week down here at cage he continues to make us smile.

God Bless from one Dad to the Dad to next.

Presnell

We saw Jeffrey Wands Saturday Night. Thank you for coming through and letting us know you were ok. I am so happy you are hanging with Grampa....Love you my son. Miss you madly.....

I remember your big ole BEAR HUGS......
I miss you, my son.
Terribly. 
You were the best son we could have ever asked for.
Please keep your Dad safe and sane,  he is missing you with everything he has.
We will always remember you, and remember FOR you.
Your son will know you through all of us....I promise.
And, dont forget to save a place for us at the table up there......
I love you, my handsome boy.....
Mama Bear

From Aunt Lilly on March 21, 2014:

 I slept so well last night and dreamed of Frankie. REally weird stuff.
He told me that Diego was coming (Jesse's dog) to see Gulliver and he
showed me something. He said "reminding" It was a scenario of me as a
young boy, maybe 3 years old with dark hair. I was afraid of the
man/woman taking care of me. He/she slammed my head against a table
and killed me. WTF? He ran his hand over my head and said it's all
part of it, Aunt Lilly. Weird, weird shit. I left my phone in the den,
so nothing woke me up, but I wonder if we don't all have those dreams
and don't remember them cos we sleep so poorly.

I love you.

Please see our submission for the memorial service for the NY Organ Donor Program for 2014.

Thank you so very much! We look forward to being there!

Frank Joseph Ruiz, Jr.

Our son, fierce and eternal.

Bursting with Light and Life.

Big Bear of a man. Teddy Bear heart.

In Life, and Death.

Gave with love.

Lynn E. Ruiz

Frankie and Jack communing with the Hens.....

 

To Ruiz Family,

Frank Jr and Senior are more than co-workers they are like family. Frankie has a sense of humor that simply put as “awesome”. Within the first 2 minutes of meeting Frankie for the first time, I knew he was a cool and down to earth person. Frankie and I played pranks in the office every day and especially Fridays when he came to the hangar. We had a nick name on Fridays called “ F it Friday”. Jack when you get older I’m sure Senior will explain what that meant. Your dad and I would prank every and anybody no matter title. First by making spit balls, paper airplanes flying over ones head while working, prank calls to different JetBlue cities and much more interesting activities depending on the day and attendance. We laugh so hard every day we work together, and we always enjoyed on looking forward to the next day to meeting up to catch up whether it was in break room, lunch or outside. Frankie and I were big into cars as Senior can tell you. I remember him always thinking and talking about what to modify next. When he placed the roof rack on the VW it was awesome because he placed stickers all over and each stickers painted a story about him and his family. Not sure how many people knew that. After Frankie had Jack his world changed, the car conversation quickly came to yield as he spoke highly of Jack and Llana. He used to tell me how you Jack were all that matter, and he could not wait for my wife Sally and I to have a kid to create play dates. Junior was big into reenactment. He had stories for days and was always an enthusiast. He spoke about sleeping on the cold floor, riding horses and the intense loud battles. When Frankie came in on Mondays with no voice we knew what he did the weekend. I always told Frankie he should be a College Historian. My wife Sally, brother Khris knew Frankie, and within the short time they got to know each other they clicked right away. Frankie has a loveable sense of humor that everyone just falls for.

Jack your dad loved you and on November 13, 2013 he text me with a picture of you holding the Kangaroo that Sally and I got you. We spoke for about 30 minutes via text, he was saying how much he enjoyed being home with you and your mom. It pains me knowing we will never hear his voice again but Frankie my brother you will be missed and I know you are looking down on us all. I miss him very much and love the man he grew into.

God Bless,

Ryan Persaud

                                                  This one picture says it all.
                                                         This is our Frankie.....

Jack Aiden Ruiz
He will always know you and remember you through our stories and love.
I know you will be at his side wherever he goes.....

This is a song....and its beautifully succinct in how we feel. Life will never be the same after losing you Frankie. We are not whole anymore, and never will be. I will mourn for you until I see you in the Cosmos. Only you know the loss and darkness we walk through every minute of everyday. I hope you are happy and whole up there with the stars. I love you sonny boy.....eternally....
MamaDukes

How We Survive

© Mark Rickerby

If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.

If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.

Life is a fragile affair.
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.

One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.

So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.

Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.

And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...

The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,

And in time, they fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.

Hawks and signs

I love hawks. For some reason I have always felt a connection with them. When they made their comeback on Long Island I was very happy. Many times on our way home from work I would spot a hawk either soaring or perched atop a light pole. I would always point them out to Frankie…even interrupt our conversations to bring attention to it.

Frankie was patient but didn’t miss the opportunity to break my chops. Looking at me with that look he had, half smiling and saying “Okay Hawk Man!”

Since the day after his passing, hawks have made appearances in our family and friends yards, perched on decks, etc. in places that you would not expect to see them.

Tonight was the ultimate sighting for me. On my way home from work, driving east on the Northern State Parkway, I spotted a hawk flying out of the woods to my left. It flew across the westbound lanes towards my car on the eastbound side. When it reached my vehicle it veered to its left and flew parallel to my car.   Not a strange thing normally, however this hawk was flying low. Just barely above my car. And it kept turning its head and looking at me. I smiled and thanked brother hawk for the insight that a message was coming and it flew upwards out of sight. Just up ahead the traffic came to a complete stop. I sat there in my car waiting to move and lo and behold, the hawk landed on my hood. We sat there for a few seconds, staring at each other. It seemed like an eternity. I moved, and it flew away into the woods.

I cannot explain this at all. It is by far the strangest and most heartwarming thing that has ever happened to me. Definitely a sign!

Thanks Frankie!!

Hey Ruiz!!

Hey Pal

Been a while since I posted. Things have been kinda rough lately...been thinking of you a lot! Mom is struggling terribly and I, well I feel that my feeling of the loss of you is increasing.

I was remembering things the other day. I guess reminiscing is a better word.
Don't know how you started, but one day you started calling Ruiz instead of Dad. Of course you also called me Dad, Daddy when you were concerned about something, but Ruiz was what you called me when you wanted my attention. And yes you got it! LOL

You also called me Pops...and you know, it seems like all if not most of your friends call me that now. Well close friends anyway :) I have to tell you that I like it. It so reminds me of you.

I speak to you all the time Frankie and I would like to think that you hear me. Most of the time I speak to you with my mind and others I speak to you out loud,....verbally.
And you sometimes I hear you reply. I see you in my minds eye...bigger than life and I smile. And other times there is nothing but silence. And I understand that too.

When I get replies from you there is a specific feeling when I believe it's genuine. There is also a feeling when I feel like it's just me creating a response. I am really getting good at discerning between the two.

Please continue to reach out to us if you are or can.,,,,,Please!

Love you Frankie

Pops A.K.A. Ruiz

xxooxxoo

Rough Day

You know my son since you passed there have been good and bad days. Mostly bad days...but today...today is a really rough day. All the way into to work this morning and the feeling of wanting to cry has not left me all day.
I want to stand up and yell at the top of my lungs how very sad I am, how very mad I am!  I want to use every fucking curse word in the book to get this feeling out!
But I realize that it may feel good for a little while, but nothing but time can ease this pain. Even that is questionable...

I love you Frankie

Pops
xxooxxooxx

Everyday when I leave work and walk to the parking lot to get my car I pass the spots where we left our mark :)

There was work being done on the sidewalk where they had dug several holes along the way. They had poured fresh concrete back into them to close them up. As you and I were walking we passed a fresh patch of cement so I dragged my foot along it. You looked at me with that "what the fuck are you doing look" and said what was that?
I responded that I left my mark....you said nothing and started walking again. When we came to the next patch of cement you dragged your foot along it and looked at me with that big smile. As if you were a little boy again and were saying look at me daddy...I'm just like you :-)
We were both young that day....like every other day that we were together.

So I smile each day that I pass our marks of mischief....miss you my friend...

Love Pops

I was remembering a night just Frankie and I went Christmas Shopping. We finished the day by going to McDonalds. We were living at my Moms in Bellmore. He was around 6 years old. It was snowing lightly, and we had our HAPPY MEALS, and he was such a great little companion. Such a great kid, you could have major conversations with him, even then... Anyway, we had our dinner and headed to the car. We got in, and....it wouldnt start....It was nightime, and Frank Sr was either away, or working...so I called my Mom.

While we waited, we talked about Christmas, and how excited he was with what we got his Dad, and hoping it would snow on Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day....

So, we were sitting there, and who pulls into the driveway, but my 80 year old Gramma! She drove a Gremlin with MANUAL steering! God Bless her! But, with a big smile on her face she rescued us, and Frankie said he never loved her so much as that night when she rescued us...He and his Great Gramma had the best relationship. She lived in the house with my Mom, so he had a communal upbringing until we moved to Selden.

I know he is up there with Gramma, watching the news with her, and sipping the special "Cocktails" she made for the two of them (Orange juice and Cranberry juice only!!!). He was the only one she would let interupt her WEATHER report when it came on...the only one. She would flick the lights to our upstairs hallway as a signal, and asked if he wanted to do any number of things...make jello, blueberry muffins, or watch the news with her. You could go into her room, and find them playing with his matchbox and hotwheels on the floor. On the FLOOR...80 years old. He always had a smile on his face when Gramma was with him.... I was always so happy he got to know and love his great Gramma....she was one of my true life heros.

I miss those days.....

 I am Frankies Mom ("Mama", when he was feeling sick or scared)...

One of my (many) favorite memories of Frankie was when we went down to Newbridge Road School when he was into skateboarding. It was a damp windy day, and we were bored. So we took his skateboard, and an umbrella and walked down to the school. He was playing around on the board, and I had an idea. It wasnt really raining, but the wind was ripping! I gave him the umbrella, opened. I showed him how to hold it in from of him to catch the wind. He went SAILING across the school yard, laughing and laughing! Some kids were watching, and he was so happy. I remember him smiling and talking about his "moves" all the way home......I loved him so.....

Frankie...just some random thoughts and memories.

I remember you as a baby crying outside the bathroom door waiting for me to come out. Falling asleep on my chest or on my shoulder.
Calling yourself a "National Treasure" Turns out  you were right LOL
How you would call me "Ruiz" when you couldn't get my attention by calling me Dad or Pops...

I remember the morning on the way to work...you were driving and it was around 5 AM.
I looked at you from the passenger seat and began smiling. You looked at me sideways and asked what I was smiling about. To me, with your full beard and long hair you looked like General Ulysses S. Grant.
You laughed and barely protested and I could tell that you kind of liked the idea.
So I continued calling you General and Grant and Ulysses. We had fun with it.
I ALWAYS had fun with you!!

I have so many memories...I will post them in future posts....

See you later chief...or should I say Ulysses ;-)

Pops

Rough morning today Frankie. Normally I do okay knowing that you are around me...us.
But since the moment I awoke I feel like sobbing. I miss the fuck out of you son!
Being in this office and having where you sat in my line of site is not making it easy.

I can't help but wonder what this upcoming reenacting season will be like without you there. You were my right hand on and off the field. The Union Volunteers is your legacy.
It hurts me to think of all the knowledge you had concerning the 14th Brooklyn and the war in general. Not to mention all of the knowledge you had concerning other topics. My head would go back and I would sit in amazement about the things you were knowledgeable about. You were a smart dude with so much info to impart on your son Jack Aiden. Where does or did that all go?!!???

I will do my best to trudge thru today...pick up your son after work and settle in for the night.

Love you my boy. And please continue to be around me and mom and reaching out to us in dreams and visions......

We know you are there!