Meditation

Yesterday, in the copper sun of a summer afternoon, a horse was laid to rest.

His name was, “Sir”, and earned the respect of that name.

He was loved by everyone who knew him.

Before he came to the sanctuary, his life was hard.

But, still, he came to them a gentle, loving, mighty soul.

His quiet strength touched so many.

Because of him, my husband is healing.

For that, I will always be thankful.

So, with a grateful heart, shortly before five o’clock, I meditated.

I was in the far pasture with them, and as Sir fell, I helped ease his fall.

I found my spirit next to his, laying in the grass.

I told him how much his Frank loved him, explaining why he could not be here now.

His lips touched my forehead, an angel kiss.

He knew.

I stroked his cheek and spoke words of comfort and love, until his eyes closed.

Then, I found myself next to a shallow river.

On the far bank, I saw Sir.

Tail and mane whipping in the wind.  He was gorgeous.

Next to him, standing in that radiant light… was my son.

They stood together, foreheads touching.

It was a magical moment.

A magnificent moment.

I knew they were communing; Frankie wanted to make sure Sir “Understood”.

Then, Frankie raised his hand in greeting. He beckoned me to cross.

I did, with an ease of motion that was like silk, surreal and smooth.

The tall grasses on the other side were blowing, and whispering wonderful things to me.

I walked to the boys standing there. I hugged them both.

Frankie’s hair was long and smelled like….snow.

His entire being was pure radiance. His smile, pure peace and love.

He hugged me. No words could ever describe the intense joy that filled me. 

He stepped back, smiling at me. (That Elvis smile that he wore so well).

I looked at Sir. Then I asked Frankie, “Are you going to ride him?”

He looked at me, like I should already know.

Then smiled and said, “No...he is a Pegasus now”.

He watched Sir with obvious admiration and love.

Frankie looked at me, and I knew it was time.

They walked, side by side, into the golden twilight.

Both
shoeless
and
without tether.

Free.

7/8/18

Lynn E. Ruiz

Canopy

Foggy,

rainy morning.

Cloudy afternoon.

Fresh pineapple.

Had a visitor.

A Charlatan.

Another Pompous

Imposter.  

The world is overrun.

And, sick to my stomach.

I type these words.

Remembering

the sweet sound

of songbirds

high in the trees.

As I walk

between drab

buildings.

The joyful ballads

float down from the Canopy

to caress my Soul.  

Sparkling Spirits.

Ignite my heart.

Ignite my hope 

for one brief moment. 

The vignette of

those unseen birds

high above,

with their

ethereal

echoes,

will remain

With me.

A gift

From the

Universe.

-Lynn Miller Ruiz

 June 1, 2018

Frankie...

Mortally wounded

December 21, 2018
There are so many words left unsaid. I thought this would get a little less painful. It only evolves into a deeper, darker pain. Its like a traumatic injury, and it is. You get terribly injured. At first, the pain is dulled by shock. Then it blossoms into a bouquet of agony. Time does not heal the wounds, physical or emotional. They are the same. Each looks better on the outside as time moves on. But, there is always the throbbing pain that still remains in the bones, skin, in the heart and soul. Less sharp, less raw than when we were first injured. But, deeper and ever lingering. It only takes a rainy day, or a movement, or nothing at all, and the physical pain flares. And so its the same, The pain of loss sits on our hearts and minds like a healing wound that it forever getting ripped open, healing, rip, healing, rip....and so on. Never really healing, but never as raw as when first inflicted. See? The soul is forever changed, as the body is in the physical. Scars of the body and scars of our hearts. I will never recover fully from this mortal wound. I am closer to the dead, than to the living.
Only death will heal this wound.
I love you, my son.
Always always, always, always.....
Infinity times Infinity.
MamaDukes
Can you hear me?
Please let it be so

These cats.

Inherited

from my son.

Are

mine

now.

Little

furry,

purring

Terrorists.

I love these cats.

I do not like them, though.

Relentless torment

and torrent

of feral

and

fecal habits.

People tell me

to rid myself

of them.

I cannot.

I could not.

My furious heart

would break.

They are old.

And, set.

I could not.

I cannot.

Mostly because

My son

is dead

now.

And,

He

loved

them

so…

             Lynn E. Ruiz

                5/15/18

                                          I miss this beautiful face. I miss this wonderful humor.
                                                                  I miss this awesome Man.

7/19/17

Frankie?

The DOOR!

It opened.

And closed.

Two times.

I thought.

“Its Pops”.

Forgot something.

No one there.

I asked.

He said,

"Not me!

I swear!"

He thought,

He heard

Me, banging.

I said,

"Not Me!

I swear!"

I saw

it open,

then shut!

Two times!

I WATCHED!

It open

And SHUT!

I KNOW

It’s YOU!

You’ve
come

home
again....

7/10/17

Jackies new "bureau". I am so sorry, but the Ikea one you bought was falling apart, and this was such an awesome gift from a coworker. Its right up your alley as well. I showed Jackie the "secret" cupboard for his special things....lol...he is so much like you, Frankie.....I love you with all my heart, my son. -Mama

7/10/17
Was it you, Frankie? I know you came to Aunt Lilly in the hospital. It had to be you. I know our human brains are probably like single cell organisms compared to you now. But, I believe you came through to her, and that you are watching over us all. I try to stay open and "listen" for you. I miss you, my sweet comrade.....always and forever, Mamadukes.

May 24, 2017

Sarah had a baby boy on May 22, 2017.
I am happy for them, and the baby is beautiful. His name is James Walter Baird-Weglinski.
I had thought they might have thought of giving him your name as his middle name.
I don't know why, I just had hoped.
They are all happy and doing well. I am glad for that.
But, these things only serve as reminders that time is marching on, without you. I know we all have to die someday, but you left an very unfinished life behind.
But, I know you watched over her during that night. I know you watch over all of us, always.
I miss you so much, I almost cannot bear another breath. I have so much in my heart that I cannot give words to. Its is overwhelming and hopeless. This world is diminished, without you in it.
I hope we will all meet again. So many things I want to say, so many things.

Most of all that it is not fucking fair. You got cheated. I hate that, it makes me crazy. I could go insane with these thoughts . I am rageful and simmering contantly underneath my smile. I FUCKING HATE LIVING WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it! I FUCKING HATE IT

Frankie, I KNOW you would be laughing right now....KNOWING how TRUE this is, It's ME RIGHT?!? I love you son, and I miss the little things we used to share. They were as important as the big events.....Wait for us.

5/19/17

4/13/17

Pops and I spent your birthday doing some of the things you liked. We celebrate your life, on your birthday, and everyday. But, on your birthday, I always find my way to the beach. I feel you there.
I miss you so much my son. It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. I love you, Kid. 8 x 8

03/17/17

I miss you more than all the stars in the multiverse. My soul, my heart, my mind, my being is shattered. I am lost, and losing my will to stay. Please, Frankie. Please....you can't be dead. My boy can't be dead. In an instant, dead. Dead. DEAD.,

3/2/17



Please......

3/2/17

I love you infinitum, my beautiful son......8x8 (infinity times infinity) Remember?

2/2/17

Somedays, I believe.
other days, I don't....
I miss you.

1/27/17

1/20/17


I hear you...

1/17/17


I heard you the other day speaking to me when I left the house. At least, I want to believe it was you. Its hard, Frankie. The hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it just never ends. The new hurdles that come up. I guess its all part of it. But, I feel like he has everything he needs with them. I try to stay here for you. Because of my love for you, Jackie, Pops and Lilly. I dont want to be here. But I dont want to leave them. I guess I will eventually be with you in my own time. But, then, why delay the inevitable? What is the point of this measley little life? Really. Can you give me an answer, because I cant think of any meaning in life. Not anything that is worth anything. I dont know. I miss you, I love you so much my son. I love you so much, and I am being crushed by the weight of this loss. I hide it. I hide it, but I cant stand it, I just want to see you again. I have to go, I love you. Watch over your Pops on the road tonight, the rain is bad. But, then...you probably know that, and so much more. Or, not...