Frankie
I am having a hard time.
I fight the black feeling.
I fight to hold on.
It would be easy to let go.
I fucking miss you with everything I have.
I am so FUCKING angry, and I miss your face.
I miss your laugh.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss my funny son.
I miss my cranky son.
I miss Jacks Dad, and Ilanas fiance.
I miss you and Pops, together.
I miss the Pops when you were still here.
So much has changed.
I hate it here without you...

Your son is everything you'd hoped he would be. He is handsome, smart, passionate, stubborn, humorous and quirky. He thinks for himself, and is amazingly empathetic. I cannot help but feel he has more than your DNA...No, he definitely has a piece of your soul, your spirit working in him, and through him. He is one of a kind in a world of sames. I am increasingly proud of that "no, Oma! I'm a BIG boy!..." little boy....And, I know you are too. I love him so very much. Words could never explain. He is our thread to you, and he is not. He is joy, and he is sadness. We laugh and we cry at the wonderful moments we share with him. All these "sparring" emotions, because you are here, but you are not here. I love you so much, my son. I will never forget, and I look forward to the day we will be together again. Until then, we will look for you in the night sky, and remember....

I don’t know when I started to do this visualization. I do know it began years and years but it has increased since Frankie died in 2013. When I see an animal dead on the side of the road, I visualize picking it up. I cradle it in my arms, until it starts to change back to the warm, living, breathing, soft sweet soul it was in life. I pet, and stroke the animal’s body, and talk to it sweetly. Their (sometimes gruesome)  injuries start receding, and healing. I feel them becoming warm again, their stiff bodies becoming warm. Their fur softens and becomes velvety to the touch. They all react differently when they open their eyes. They all take a different amount of time and way to do it. Some of them jump from my lap in a short time…upward…..Some grab my fingers like baby’s as I stroke the space between their eyes, and rub their faces on my hands. Others will crawl on to my shoulder, and nuzzle their noses in my hair, and neck. They will either go to the other shoulder and jump to heaven, or on to my head, and lift off from there. Sometimes, mainly Possums (don’t know why), will climb on my head, and look down at my face and sniff or lick my face before they go. For some reason, when the possums go up, I say out loud, “I love you, Possum”. I feel the love for the raccoon, squirrels, groundhogs, deer, cats, dogs, but the possums seem to have a special spirit for me. I don’t know why, but that’s what I feel. I know it sounds like a crazy thing to do, but I am compelled to do it. It’s an amazing release for me, and I feel like I am acknowledging their existence, that they mattered. And, I know they don’t really need my help to get to heaven. But, for me, I think I do it for all the pain they suffered alone. All the animals that suffer at the hands of men. I cannot do anything about all of those poor innocents, but I can do this. Sending them off with love and light. In honor of them and all the unseen, tortured and forgotten souls. 

Alison, Patrick, Nathaniel, and Jackie were at the house this weekend. I know you were too. I could feel you there with us, smiling that smile of yours.
I love you, handsome man.

Another day closer to you.

Where are you? I need you, comrade....I miss laughing with you. I miss arguing with you. I would LOVE to have one more afternoon with you, even if it meant one of those Sunday afternoons when the Jets were losing the game, and you were losing your temper. Yup, I would give anything to have you back. Anything, even my own life.
Oh, Frankie....

Jessie and Erin got married on Saturday. Ilana and the baby went. She said it was beautiful and sad. She cried and smiled, and Jackie danced. He was the hit of the party, as usual. Your Dad kept telling me about the photos that were being posted on Facebook, and I could not look at them....I cried a lot this weekend. Travis's girlfriend had a baby shower. I thought I could go, until I couldnt...I know it sounds melodramatic, Frankie...but it breaks my heart to watch life go on this way. I understand everyone deserves their happiness...but....so did you...