We put one foot in front of the other. We eat, we sleep, we go to work. We do all the things we have to in order to make it through the minutes of each day.  For other people, the grief has settled into something less painful. But for your Pops and me, it is a looming black hole that threatens to swallow us whole. It is with that horrible weight of sorrow we try to move forward each day. Your name on my lips, and in my heart each and every minute of everyday, I try so hard to honor you, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't know if I can.

I miss you.

So, remember the constant running "argument" we had?
I am not going to mention it, but...
when I get a message from you, THAT'S the message I want.
I want the REAL answer to our debate.
The REAL answer, because you KNOW now.
Then, I will believe, I will believe you are still around.
That you are a beautiful energy soul, and you are still out there.
I love you, my son.
Then, now, and always.
Momz

So, Jackie was in his car seat in Ilanas car to leave last night. He didn’t want to go. He was sitting in the back, looking out the window. I came up to the opposite window to tell him goodbye (again…), and he said, “I don’t want to go….”. I said, “I Know, but you are going to have a great time at Cape Cod, and then we will see you again!” .

Heres the kick….He looks straight ahead of him, and said, “When I come back from HEAVEN, I am coming HERE!”.

I asked him “What ?”.

He said the same thing. Ilana came over and I asked him to repeat it, and he said the same thing. She looked at me with big eyes, and said, “THAT was creepy!”

I don’t think it was creepy, I think you have a connection with him.  A static-y connection, but an awesome connection. 

I am so glad Ilana heard him say it, because I was floored. It was a freaking gift!

I just wanted to share it with you……

But, I have a feeling you already know.....

I love you so much....

Frankie, I want to believe this. I want to believe that there is something else after this fucked up life. Please, please try to send signs when and if you can. I have no more words today, only tears. And, a pain that runs through my heart and soul. I miss you. I love you, my most loved son. -Mamadukes

Frankie....

Another holiday, and your presence is missed more and more with each passing year. I still can't believe you are gone. I talk with you, I do my art in your room, and I tell Jackie all about you. He is young, and I know he will be asking all kinds of questions when he gets a little older. I absolutely HATE that he has to be "told about"...you. I want to scream at the absurdity of it all. It should be you, holding his hand, taking him to see all the things in this world for the first time. And, to be there when he cries, and laughs and wins or loses. I know there is no changing that, but GOD FUCKING DAMMMMMMIT! I HATE THIS UNIVERSE for all it has taken from you, him, and us....I hate  I hate I hate.. I am angry, and I want to lash out at the world for having what I have lost. You were a wonderful child, friend, and father to your son. It makes no sense to me. I am constantlt asking WHY WHY WHY WHY? Really, FUCKING WHY??????????? The only thing I can look forward to is the day I can die and see you again. But, I cant...yet...your son needs to know you through me. Besides, if I go now...Pops will be left here, alone. The three musketeers. God, words cannot express how much we miss you. Or how much we love you. Or, the profound, painful sorrow that sits with us every second of everyday...My son. My son....