https://youtu.be/PUhuPn8_d0Q

Our favorite movie on one of our favorite holidays....I miss Halloweens with you....

We saw a man in profile (Alison and I). Je was lighting a cigarette. Ilana had her back to him. Before anything was even said, we were both looking at him. Alison turned her head towards me, and said, "Oh, Come ON!"....
Because for a split second in time...it was YOU. The moment passed when Ilana turned, saw, and said "NO!". She wouldnt entertain it. You are much handsomer. But, was it you? Did you flicker inside that soul to see us, and for us to see you? I love you Frankie....so much.

I feel you all around us. I know it should make me feel better, but it doesnt. I want YOU back, Frankie. I have so much to tell you. I have questions that you would absurdly understand, and have an answer....I miss your smile, I miss your laughter. I miss you picking on me with an impish grin. I miss you my most loved son....

Sometimes I am walking through a parking lot, or at home, or in the yard....And I feel the world "shift" just a little. It always make me feel like I could have walked through a "door", but just barely missed it. I can't help but feel that it is a way to you, and you are trying to get to me. Trying to let me know you "are", only somewhere else. In another form, but "alive" in energy form. I know this would sound crazy to most people, but even when you were here, you would have thought it was an awesome possibility. I love you my sun....

Ilana sent this to me today. She said you would have laughed your ASS off...

Frankie. I have no words anymore. Just an unbearable ache in my heart and soul that will not leave. I drive to work, and think how easy it would be, with one slight jerk of the steering wheel. Easy way out. Not for me. Its been almost 2 years, and the pain has increased exponentially, why? why? Unfathomable dream state. HOW can you be GONE? We see Jackie growing, and we cry. You loved him so fucking much, and you were torn away. WHY? WHY? Why the FUCK did this have to happen? I call "BULLSHIT". I have no words to express the misery of living everyday with the loss. I wont, but I want to close my eyes.  I miss you Frankie boy. I cant stand it. But I have to.

Sometimes I get scared that I have forgotten the sound of your voice, or the sound of your footsteps coming down the steps, or your amazing laugh...
But, then, I "hear" you calling my name, or laughing in the distance. Out of the blue....I miss you, son. 

I talk to you all the time. Do you hear me?

I felt like I would go insane this morning.
I cannot wrap my head and heart around the fact that you are gone....
I cried all morning....oh, my boy....my boy...

Do I really feel you near me?
Or am I self medicating?

Each of us has been given gifts and talents. Our combinations of gifts are unique to us. Though we may look at others and think we may never be “as good as” they are in something, or that “we’re better than” someone else in something else, those comparisons really do not have anyone’s best interest in mind. It’s kind of like saying, “That grand piano will never drive as fast as that sports car.” Well of course it won’t, it wasn’t designed for driving. It was designed to play beautiful music. Rather that feeling blue about what we do not have or who we are not, we can learn to appreciate what we do have and exactly who we are. It just requires a shift of focus. If your passion and talent is in one area, even if the area doesn’t seem to be practical, it’s important that you develop your talent and enjoy it as much as you can. People around you can benefit from it, and most millionaires and billionaires were made because they had a passion for a certain thing and a career or business formed around that passion. The world may not need another chef, or another party planner, or another actor. But the world really doesn’t need another anything. There are plenty of people to fill all the roles in society. What the world DOES need, is more passion and joy. When you love doing something, and you share it with people around you, thethe joy is contagious. You can inspire other people to get more active in what they love doing, whether it’s the same as you or not. To use your gifts and celebrate them is an incredible display of humility as it shows that these gifts are appreciated and were given to the right person.

Zantamata, Doe (2012-01-18). Happiness in Your Life - Book One: Karma (p. 14).  . Kindle Edition.

I woke up this morning and wanted to talk to you so badly. I have been having a tough time, yeah worse than usual....I just can't seem to move through my life anymore. Its so hard to get through a day. I just want to sleep. I want to tell you about the baby, my art, my ideas, send you off the wall shit from the internet. I want to laugh with you like no one else ever made me laugh. You always got my sense of humor, and my sideways thinking. I miss you saying, "Allllright (making fun of me", and your "Dieter" voice, and your hugs. I love you so much, Frankie. I hope that heaven is real, because I hold on to that so tightly. If we never get to "see" each other again, I would give up, because then, whats the point? I love your son so much, it hurts. He is a joy and a sorrow because he is SO much like you....I hold on, sweetie. But, my grip is slipping.