Rough Day

You know my son since you passed there have been good and bad days. Mostly bad days...but today...today is a really rough day. All the way into to work this morning and the feeling of wanting to cry has not left me all day.
I want to stand up and yell at the top of my lungs how very sad I am, how very mad I am!  I want to use every fucking curse word in the book to get this feeling out!
But I realize that it may feel good for a little while, but nothing but time can ease this pain. Even that is questionable...

I love you Frankie

Pops
xxooxxooxx

Everyday when I leave work and walk to the parking lot to get my car I pass the spots where we left our mark :)

There was work being done on the sidewalk where they had dug several holes along the way. They had poured fresh concrete back into them to close them up. As you and I were walking we passed a fresh patch of cement so I dragged my foot along it. You looked at me with that "what the fuck are you doing look" and said what was that?
I responded that I left my mark....you said nothing and started walking again. When we came to the next patch of cement you dragged your foot along it and looked at me with that big smile. As if you were a little boy again and were saying look at me daddy...I'm just like you :-)
We were both young that day....like every other day that we were together.

So I smile each day that I pass our marks of mischief....miss you my friend...

Love Pops

I was remembering a night just Frankie and I went Christmas Shopping. We finished the day by going to McDonalds. We were living at my Moms in Bellmore. He was around 6 years old. It was snowing lightly, and we had our HAPPY MEALS, and he was such a great little companion. Such a great kid, you could have major conversations with him, even then... Anyway, we had our dinner and headed to the car. We got in, and....it wouldnt start....It was nightime, and Frank Sr was either away, or working...so I called my Mom.

While we waited, we talked about Christmas, and how excited he was with what we got his Dad, and hoping it would snow on Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day....

So, we were sitting there, and who pulls into the driveway, but my 80 year old Gramma! She drove a Gremlin with MANUAL steering! God Bless her! But, with a big smile on her face she rescued us, and Frankie said he never loved her so much as that night when she rescued us...He and his Great Gramma had the best relationship. She lived in the house with my Mom, so he had a communal upbringing until we moved to Selden.

I know he is up there with Gramma, watching the news with her, and sipping the special "Cocktails" she made for the two of them (Orange juice and Cranberry juice only!!!). He was the only one she would let interupt her WEATHER report when it came on...the only one. She would flick the lights to our upstairs hallway as a signal, and asked if he wanted to do any number of things...make jello, blueberry muffins, or watch the news with her. You could go into her room, and find them playing with his matchbox and hotwheels on the floor. On the FLOOR...80 years old. He always had a smile on his face when Gramma was with him.... I was always so happy he got to know and love his great Gramma....she was one of my true life heros.

I miss those days.....

 I am Frankies Mom ("Mama", when he was feeling sick or scared)...

One of my (many) favorite memories of Frankie was when we went down to Newbridge Road School when he was into skateboarding. It was a damp windy day, and we were bored. So we took his skateboard, and an umbrella and walked down to the school. He was playing around on the board, and I had an idea. It wasnt really raining, but the wind was ripping! I gave him the umbrella, opened. I showed him how to hold it in from of him to catch the wind. He went SAILING across the school yard, laughing and laughing! Some kids were watching, and he was so happy. I remember him smiling and talking about his "moves" all the way home......I loved him so.....

Frankie...just some random thoughts and memories.

I remember you as a baby crying outside the bathroom door waiting for me to come out. Falling asleep on my chest or on my shoulder.
Calling yourself a "National Treasure" Turns out  you were right LOL
How you would call me "Ruiz" when you couldn't get my attention by calling me Dad or Pops...

I remember the morning on the way to work...you were driving and it was around 5 AM.
I looked at you from the passenger seat and began smiling. You looked at me sideways and asked what I was smiling about. To me, with your full beard and long hair you looked like General Ulysses S. Grant.
You laughed and barely protested and I could tell that you kind of liked the idea.
So I continued calling you General and Grant and Ulysses. We had fun with it.
I ALWAYS had fun with you!!

I have so many memories...I will post them in future posts....

See you later chief...or should I say Ulysses ;-)

Pops

Rough morning today Frankie. Normally I do okay knowing that you are around me...us.
But since the moment I awoke I feel like sobbing. I miss the fuck out of you son!
Being in this office and having where you sat in my line of site is not making it easy.

I can't help but wonder what this upcoming reenacting season will be like without you there. You were my right hand on and off the field. The Union Volunteers is your legacy.
It hurts me to think of all the knowledge you had concerning the 14th Brooklyn and the war in general. Not to mention all of the knowledge you had concerning other topics. My head would go back and I would sit in amazement about the things you were knowledgeable about. You were a smart dude with so much info to impart on your son Jack Aiden. Where does or did that all go?!!???

I will do my best to trudge thru today...pick up your son after work and settle in for the night.

Love you my boy. And please continue to be around me and mom and reaching out to us in dreams and visions......

We know you are there!